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Here, I will share with you why we have anger, the two types of anger constructive and destructive, and how to work with it and embrace it so it because a force that helps us create our life and not tear it down.
Why do we have anger? What’s its purpose in our lives and how does it serve to help us create a better life for ourselves. Many people think that anger is flat out wrong. They think it’s something bad. However, anger serves a very specific function with our life. Firstly, it helps us move things. It’s a moving energy. Anger makes things happen around us. We can use it to change or create our lives in new ways. This is a constructive view of anger. We use it consciously and at the right times to make what we want happen. However, the other type of anger is destructive. Destructive anger destroys our life and our creations. This type of anger serves us to in its own way. However, when not handled or communicate properly it can get us into trouble.
What is constructive anger?
This type of anger helps us to draw boundaries when they are over stepped. For instance, let’s say that you are a pretty girl and you have a stalker or a person who always is trying to win your attention or affection. He sends you gifts and makes attempts to see you along your route to work. You get angry and upset at his attempts to win your attention. You lash out at him. This type of anger serves you in a protective way. Anger keeps out what needs to stay out for your own health and protection. This is the type of anger that exists in a lot of families that are co-dependent and have permeable boundaries.
Destructive anger is that type of anger that can make things go real south real quick. Destructive anger is the anger we feel internally when we don’t give ourselves the space our being needs, yet we’re to afraid to communicate it. For instance, let’s say you grow up in a co-dependent family. Your mother always makes bold requests from you. Maybe you’re a child and you have to take care of her. She asks for more time and attention from you then you ask from yourself. One day, you find yourself lashing out her and complaining that she never does anything to take care of herself and your stuck doing all the work. This is a destructive anger that kills the unhealthy relationship. In this sense this anger is merited and will help you create a better life for yourself. Your anger is your subconscious desires spewing up. Your deeper self is asking to be heard, listened to, and validated before your mother. The anger is a natural expression of your desire to come home and back into yourself.
All anger is good and serves a purpose. However, it’s just that we don’t know when and how to express it. When anger comes out at the wrong person and at the wrong time then it becomes bad. Like most of our emotions they are all valid and deserve to be listened to. However, we just need to express them at the right times and at the right targets.
Many of us have unconscious anger because we give too much of ourselves to everyone but ourself. We give our time and energies to clients, the job, our spouse, families, and friends. Yet, we forget to give all of this energy to ourselves. And then, when we feel tired and drained we lash out at those very people because we’re out of balance and not giving ourselves the necessary energy. When we give to much of ourselves we need to bring our self-worth into check. People who give and give all the time like to say, “I’m just a giver. It’s what I love to do.” And there is nothing wrong with this. It’s good to give. However, if you give so much of yourself that it causes you to lose your balance and get angry at the very people you are giving to then something is out of balance. We need to look at self-worth.
I suffered from this for years thinking that I was simply a giving person. But at the same time I had a lot of anger. One day I finally realized that I was giving so much of myself, up to the point of exhaustion, and I realized that I had a self-worth issue. People who have a low sense of self-worth feel the need to give and give. They subconsciously believe that if they give enough value to a person through gifts, time, or energy then finally their efforts will be validated. When we trust our value and know our own worth we don’t feel like we have to give and give again. However, when we give and give to the point of anger and exhaustion then subconsciously we don’t believe in our own value and sense of self-worth. We always have to be better and taking it to the next level instead of resting in the value that we know we have.
This being said, there is nothing wrong with having high standards and excellence for yourself, however if it is coming at a price where you’re exhausted, burnt out, and lashing out then you’re not giving yourself enough time, energy, and self-care. Check your self-worth and get on the path to self-love.
To Get back onto a peaceful path of self-acceptance ask yourself these two important questions:
What in my life do I know I need to get rid of (people, places and habits of action) but have been avoiding?
What can I bring into my life that gives me more time and energy to myself?